The story of Charlie (cross-post from SOI)

Cross-post from the Subjects of Interest blog

A year or so ago, a friend and I set out to create the ultimate chain email. We wanted it to have all those essential elements: pathos, wish-granting, guilt tripping, and rhyming.

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This is the saddest email I have ever read ever! Serious guys, I'm not joking on this one. If you don't burst into tears after reading this, you're an awful person.


POOR CHARLIE


Saturday is a busy day
It's time for the football game
So Charlie raced out of the door
His father did the same

He rushed towards the family car
And sat down on the seat
And impatiently waited for his dad
While wiggling his feet

Too busy to have breakfast
Too busy to comb his hair
Too busy to check the computer
And the email that waited there

So Charlie played his football
And kicked ten thousand points
Although he hurt his kicking foot
And other assorted joints

But for all his youthful vigour
And his cheeky boyish grin
Little did poor Charlie know
That fate was coming for him

He checked his computer once more
But off to the living room he went
Because 'Idol' was on the tv
And the email remained unsent

Had he taken notice
Had he read it to the end
He would have understood the sad email
Sent to him by his friend

He didn't read the story
He didn't send it on
And slowly, very slowly
All his good luck shall be gone

For chain emails are a powerful thing
As Charlie did find out
The bad luck that awaited him
Was enough to make you shout...

"Oh no, not poor young Charlie
He's such a brave little guy
He's such a little trooper
Why did he have to die?"

That's right, poor Charlie carked it
He got cancer in his bowel
Then got a bout of syphilis
- please don't ask us how

And then he tripped down the stairs
And broke his upper left thigh
And as he lay there in agony
He wished he had replied-

-To that simple little message
"Had I only passed it on
I wouldn't be here dying
With chille stains on my shirt

I must have hit my head" he said
"I've clearly got concussion.
No longer am I rhyming well
Or speaking in correct pies"

As little Charlie passed away
Ducks nibbling at his spleen
And rats sneaking into his bowels for warmth
His toes were turning green

And from his foaming trembling lips
These last words did he moan
"if you don't reply to chain emails
you'll die horribly and alone... probably down some stairs or something."


SEND THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU! PLEASE! THIS COULD CHANGE THE WORLD! THE MORE PEOPLE THE BETTER.


50 - Send this email to over 50 people, and Charlie will come to life again. You and he shall go on a magical journey to some far off land, and then have cake. Then of course he will have to die again to make room for the next person to send 50 emails.

20 - Send this on to 20 people and not only shall you be immune to cancer, but you'll also receive four billion dollars within seven seconds of sending it. Also, that huge crush that you once had will turn up to your door and immediately propose to you.

10 - Send this on to 10 people and you will develop duck repellent qualities. Furthermore to that, you will never ever spill chille on your favourite shirt. Your crush will come to your door and say something to do with avacados, but you were too busy staring in awe at them that you weren't really listening. You'll find a fifty dollar note on the street, but then you'll probably just spend it on food or something, which makes it a kind of waste, because it all ends up in the toilet in the end anyway.

5 - Send this to 5 people and you will have an erotic dream about your crush that night. At least you think it's them, because the person's face isn't quite the same and they change gender from time to time. Nevertheless it will be a happy dream. You will also find an empty bottle on the street while you walk to work which you can cash in for about twenty cents and the recycling shop. You'll see a rat around the corner, but then you'll keep walking and forget about it about four seconds later.

4 - Send this email to 4 people and we'll give you a free upsize to 5, THIS WEEK ONLY!!

< 4 - Send this email to less than 4 people and you'll most likely trip over some hobo on the way to work and have to clean bodily fluids off your favorite suit for the rest of the day.

0 - If you refuse to send this email to anyone, because you're lazy, or insensitive or just don't have any fingers, then you will die a horrible, horrible death.

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Don't believe us? Check out these fantastic testimonials:

"Hi, My name is Fred Tompson. I read this email and was so moved by the story of Charlie that I immediately forwarded it to 24 people. The next day I became the richest man in the world by selling immitation sardines over the internet. I'm also married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and we make sweet love once every seven minutes. I owe it all to clicking my mouse button a few times and thinking of Charlie."

***

"Tootles! Jeanette Winterbottom's the name. I am a teacher of Information Technology at Darbishire Elementary College. We recently had one of our students die from witholding Chain emails from the community. Among the symptons included a broken pancreas, dislocated brain, a bit of a backache after dinner, and the distinct smell of duck poo. I now use this email as a criteria for all my student's gradings and have found it successful in reducing the ammount of rat-related deaths in the college by 37% Since implementing the program, all unexpected in-class fatalities were the result of other phenomenon and not this email. Thank you Charlie!"

***

"Hi, I'm Brett. I received this email, and deleted it. now I'm dead."

***

"I'm Ted Lowry. I received this email, and sent it to only 7 people. As I was walking to work the next day, I found an old CD on the road. I tried to play it, but it was really too scratched to get any real melodies. I kept it around the office for a few more days, but then I threw it out and bought a sandwich. God bless you Charlie!"


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As you can see, the power of this email is astronomical. So prove to yourself and to your friends that you are a good person, and not a selfish one. Send this to as many people as you can. And if you don't have enough friends to send this email to, then you're probably an awful person and deserve all the bad luck coming to you.

But now here's the best bit. Before you press send, think of Charlie, count to five and make a wish.


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>>>>> 5!
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>
>
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>>>>> 4!
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>
>
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>>>>> 3!
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>
>
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>>>>> 3!
>>>>
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>
>
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>>>>> 1!
>>>>
>>>
>>
>


Ooops, it must have got wet. But perhaps if you wait a little while, then your wish is 46% certain to be absolutely GUARANTEED to come true!

The rock-off fairness fallacy (SOI cross-post)

I have a new blog! Dan and I are doing a joint blog over at thesubjectsofinterest.blogspot.com

Here's my latest post from over there.

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I've noticed that there is an increasing trend for people to resolve disputes or allocate resources using the game of Rock Paper Scissors. The procedure is sometimes called a 'rock-off', as in "let's rock-off for the last slice of pizza"

This procedure is fine in a two person game (assuming no one cheats), but I often see people happily submitting to three-way rock-offs. In these arrangements two people rock-off, then the third person plays the winner, and the winner of that second rock-off is declared the overall winner.

But this procedure is inherently unfair!

Imagine that John, Fred, and Mary are rocking-off for a slice of pizza. John and Fred play first. Mary plays the winner.

For John to win overall he has to win the first encounter against Fred and then a subsequent encounter against Mary. John has a .5 probability of winning the first time and .5 probability of winning the second time. .5 x .5 = .25, so he has a 25% chance of winning the pizza.

The same applies for Fred. He has to win first against John and then against Mary. Both times he has a .5 probability of winning, .5 x .5 = .25, so he too has a 25% chance of winning the pizza.

But Mary, she gets it easy. No matter what happens she only has to play once. Regardless of whether she's playing John or Fred she has a .5 probability of winning that rock off. So her chance of winning the pizza is 50%.

Mary has double the chance of winning overall because she only plays the winner. Great if you're Mary, bad if you're John or Fred.

Better to just draw straws.